19 years of truthfulness

To: Mami Rosielyn Tan 

H A P P Y  19th  B I R T H D A Y    M A M I    G W A P A!!!!!!!




Dear Old-oak tree,

Years ago, you were once a nomad, a stranger perhaps to a human being who passed by the huge ground were you stood. Nevertheless, you captivated the hearts of those who've witnessed your graceful dance with the blowing wind. You made them explore into the depths of you reality, and taught them  the armor for survival. 

You have grown in becoming the best shade of shelter to those who need you most. You made a person's life ever changing, serving to gain and bring out the best, & made one soul  more vibrant in facing the battles in this vast arena of life. The strength you endured had surpassed every obstacle fate has laid on you. Your fruits remained clinging into your branches, the huge pieces of existence that proved your mighty dedication to care, to serve, and to love.. There you were in the desert of undying storm and endless plagues. You were surrounded by meteors, by burning fire, by ashes of tragic denouement. However, you have risen and was grounded still; unshaken. Your colors have out shined the darkness of the night, the dim of the dusk, the shadows of the sunset. You traced a sting of happiness to one's lonely heart. You were an enlightenment.

"Mami, you made me see the reasons for living. I thank you for the friendship that is best in every little way. Distance may bring us the water to cross, moments may have been greedy for us to see, but, we are buried in the deepest of our hearts and in our souls. We cry in each others arms, we laugh, we fret, we share, and we love. All these things make us the duo in surviving the battles we face, the numerous criticisms that throned us in the limelight of hanging bridges. We grow because we learn from life, from everybody, and from each other's company. You will always be my true friend, my MAMI. Happy Birthday Mami Rose Tan!!! I love you, in ways that which only me can do. 

congratulations on one of your greatest achievements mami.. being the person you dreamed to be:
MS.  ROSIELYN D. TAN RN, MAN, " Ed.D" !!!
     You deserve the success mi!

Need not think & say: "I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU"

  Have you ever had the feeling that you wanted to do everything all at once, eying to be as perfect as you want those to be, however, fate wouldn't let those in? Or serving not just one or two masters at the same time, but, a handful? I am honestly wondering why at the very first coincidental time, I am writing this out of nowhere. I don't even know if this will turn out good. I just wanted to divulge my perception and confused emotions for the instances of being dampened, of having myself out casted, or for the mere sense of secluding myself from people who ought to be so insensitive. Insensitivity roots from a lot of feelings & I'm not absolutely certain if I'm having one now. 

  The reality of the pain I feel every time my world disagrees with my wants is no doubt understandable to me. I may not hide the wishes and desires of my heart but my actions alone would speak for my imaginative thoughts. Nevertheless, I continue to exist for people to feel the happiness that I might perhaps give them in ways only me can do. The circumstances are deemed to be very pressing in my heart, lately. I bluntly focused on overshadowing people each time they gave me the wink to step right beside them, oftentimes, in their melancholic moments of sadness and sorrow. The sting of vibration from their hurting voices would similarly tell me to mourn. Myself has never been greedy. I never thought of me & my sake alone, I never thought twice for my willingness to guide, serve, and usher comfort.  However, weakness has been very consumable & ate me up entirely, in a very horrible way. I went weak in an honest note for reasons that only me can fully reflect on. 

In life, we do good, we do better, and we do the best things for a bounty of reasons. People may either perform and comply because they are in awe to live their admirations in truth, or they wholly LOVE because they want to be appreciated in a very special, unlikely way. But to me, I love and care because I feel happy about it, not because I am being given the chance to wait for something to be shipped back into my doorstep nor for the simple expense of others to share a little of what they own to me. I have always been happy making and seeing other people happy, not always wanting to please them on their end, but, gaining self-fulfillment on mine. 

Reverence to what I used to be, I am may no longer be the typical me. My heart is glued to life's facts that we are not born to provide, to give, and to praise, ALWAYS. We once thought we can be as the best that we can, as great as someone who's at the top, as mighty as superman who can do almost the impossible. A certain realization sometimes would hurt us, but, often teaches us to survive. I have my own life. One that need not be perfected yet polished; a life lived in my own perspectives and spent with my own strength to succeed. I will run and traverse through it my own way. My only pains for living it truthfully are the instances when I am not held in the strongest means of appreciation. I say I do not want anything in return, but, it lowers our spirit when we have lavishly poured and drained our strengths, yet, we are disregarded and unappreciated at the same time. We need spoken words to somehow remind us that we are aren't perfectly made, but, we can always do the most applicable and commendable one. We all lose to win back. We fail to pass. We get hurt to be strong.  But, through all these, we also get TIRED. We tire because our hearts can no longer translate what our mind would like to command us  or we eventually weaken because we are not loved and treasured after all the sacrifices. I am hurt because I am dampened. I am in pain because I cannot feel the sense of importance I portray. Now, things are clearer. I no longer worry nor fret for loads I cannot carry and not cry for spilled milk.

                                        

                                               

Sometimes, everything eventually happens for unrevealed reasons. I now dare to live my life the happiest, no longer the complex. By means of  accepting the unacceptable, I can grow with a vibrant heart. Those who'll remain with me, I will keep, and those who do not, I won't. My principle of being a warrior amidst all the crisis will always be with me, but, I would wish to modify it in a little easy way. I will always be the strongest, nevertheless, I will be not alone for everybody, but, for myself above all.  We are made with accordance to God's providence, will, & creativity, and I believe that I am destined to be in a place where I should be. A place with persons whom I can deal with without hesitation for I know they will remain true despite my inabilities, and they can be the proudest in all of my success. Those who will never think twice to stand for me and say, "I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU." 

Teary Love (a prelude to a celebration on the 14th of february)

(I am writing this inspired by Mark Milallos's "Love:My ValentinE Note". )

The happiness I feel when someone tells me "I love you" could neither be brought by the attack of my hormones or by the hast pumping of my heart's ventricles. Funny, but, deliberatley speaking, I never felt that way for years now (coming from someone mutually special) except, though, from my family and friends. Now that it's just a few sleep before valentine's day, will I ever feel my heartbeat skipping again? Nevertheless, I was once told by my sisterfriend, "when you love someone, you just love, that's it."  Like a simple subject-verb agreement. To me, nothing  will ever explain the meaning of love; it will remain an act very difficult to understand (harder than x + y).

When I learned that my bestfriend Jairah had a boyfriend for years now, I was happy for her. When my closest friend Janet pronounced her love to Pj and Pj did as well in return, it was remarkable. My BESTEST friend in high school lurked with joy when her alll-time crush unexpectedly confessed his love to her. These cute stories of how love evolved in the universe are just a few. However, the reality of seeing people around you blinking eye to eye with their "someone special" or being in facebook getting less attention from your friend because she's at another planet busly chatting with her boyfriend, is HILARIOUS to me. : P It's of my least prerogative to make my day with someone waiting for me until my afternoon class is done and holds my hand for a walk. Is it? Perhaps it is. I don't wanna get wind up with a relationship that will break my neck "again". I'm not insecure, I just wanna be secured. Get what I mean? : D

Now a friend of mine knocked me on the head and tells me, "Move on". I'll pray to all gods of the planets to heal me at this instant, if there is. We ought to travel life's journey hoping to make it the best, yet, filling it with special moments is quite unpredictable. After I had a taste of the bittersweet passion fruit of love, I never believed in it anymore. That the saying "there's no such thing as a happy ending" became one of my mottos in life. I accept. Emotions and perceptions sometimes affect our whole being, our whole life. Ika-nga, Experience is the best teacher. Whether it happened because it's your partner's fault, yours, or a third party, it just so happened! There's no time machine in love. But, there's a driver who can make the ride worth it. I'll never be a good driver, I know.

One day, I woke up wanting to save my heart again. I wanted to scream. My heart can no longer feel anything, it can hardly breathe. My hearts says "Go on, feel the love again, feel me beating". I went sad. My mind and body never responded. And I suppose it will remain that way for now. I'm not Madam Auring of course to tell you that I'll never fall in love again. I will. There's no perfect time and such perfect security in love. Once, a historical person said, "it's not about the worth of the person you are fighting for, it's the worth that you put to a person when you fought for the love you feel for him". Oh di bah? Ni sink in nah?  : D If it does not, here's another one from another reliable being, "we both decided to fight the fight that needs fighting. At least we know that we did our best even if our best at times is not good enough. For only the Father knows who and what is best for us!" Very fruity. haha. The two pairs of "singkit bananas" inspire me so much. 

Valentine's Day, my Valentine's day! I dont actually care whether I'm having a date on the 14th or not, I might as well do it on the next feb 14th, or the next next feb 14th. Who knows? only God knows.  : D

Oh well. To your sister, to your friend, to your neighbor, to someone sitting beside you who learned to love and is thinking now if he/she ever will again, ponder on these. Coz I've got to ponder too. 

ADVANCE HAPPY HEARTS DAY.! ♥♥♥