MY MOTHER OF RESEARCH

To: Mami ROSIELYN D. TAN

When life seems overwhelming and you can't seem to get everything done...

When there isn't enough time to relax and enjoy...

When there is little reward for all your efforts and you wonder if it's all worth it,if this is what life is all about, and if this is what the future holds in store..

Never forget that there are people who love and care about you;

People who want to help and support you through life's difficult times;

People who think you're pretty special;

And people who care a lot about you. 

I couldn't forget St. Vincent General Hospital. The place where we first had our very "makabagbag damdaming" talk.. : P I was a rookie back then on penlight publication and my first assignment was quite heavy. Masters Degree Holders in our college were very few, about 6 of them to be exact. I had to revise my questionnaire, ran through each item, and re-construct over and over again. But what made the journey so tedious was the fact that I had to chase each instructor here and there. Ma'am Rosielyn Tan gave me a hard time, kidding aside. However, the task was indeed challenging : D. She was the very first clinical instructor who made the breakthrough on masters degree, way back 2005, and oh well, I wasn't really surprised. (Knowing her later). Whenever I tried to reach this woman for an interview, she was always stuffed up with paperworks, loads of duties, and so on, you name it!. I was at first hesitant to sit down and start a conversation with her. Ever wonder why?Looking back 2 years ago when I was in second year; I had lots of friends, mostly students and some, clinical instructors. I saw mam  Tan  in corridors, in the canteen, in the elevator, and even in the mall once. Not on the offensive matter though, I could say just by looking at her during those times, she was totally different and mysterious. There was something in her that made me so curious about, and her aura made me address so many questions. She seldom smiled, that's a fact. :D She was strict, that's another proven fact. And she was straightforward and vocal.

I'm not so sure if she can still remember our first conversation. We had it in a near-by "karenderia" outside the hospital. I was so nervous, to be fairly honest.  She's not just a typical person, I suppose. I sought for traces where and when could I start the conversation and I got lucky, she started it for me. Then, she begun narrating her life story. It took me a long while to swallow the food i had in my mouth; I couldn't hold back my tears. Her emotions were radiating and her feelings filled me with so much pain. Somehow, we shared the same story. We talked about so many things; happenings we couldn't forget and struggles we made in life. I was even comfortable sharing my own experiences and what kind of life I was into. We conversed about how we see life, how it affected us, and how we should be affecting it. That was the moment when magic started between the two of us. 

After that very memorable night, we hardly saw each other. I never heard of her for a long time. Not until I stepped through the facade of being a fourth year student that I realized I would be meeting her again. A day before of our first and most grandious event of the year, the Nursing Gathering, I came across her outside our school chapel. She was looking down on her cellphone,  frowning close to crying. I wondered why, so, I silently approached her and started a conversation. The memory is no longer clear but I can vividly recall the words she uttered months ago during the interview I had with her, "SEE YOU IN RESEARCH". I bluntly reacted, I had no ideas about the subject matter though! Then, I heard she pursued her Doctoral Degree. 

We smiled at each other when we were given the chance but, most of the time, I could see her busily writing and scanning some papers on her desk. When we finally had our oral defense for our research study, the nightmare started. I was loaded with so many projects, a lot of responsibilities to look into, and more problems to face. I had no time to work on research that I constantly left my group accomplishing the chapters. 



During the last several days of preparation, I felt the need to let my hands move, and make my brain work for my group. I had to choose between my extra-curricular commitments and my academics. So, I decided to go with the latter. We struggled so much for everything to be accomplished, I was just glad that my group mates were so much at work. They never failed each other and did their best to meet the deadlines set. I definitely had no sleep, not to mention that the night before our final defense, I was with fellow officers making our way to our adviser's home to give a surprise on her birthday. I went home at 4am. I woke up at 8 and hurriedly type my powerpoint presentation. At 9am, I did a short run through, a small brainstorming for my group, and tackled important points about the topic. At 10 we were filled with anxiety. In several minutes the judgment will begin. And so, my talk started and everything went well smoothly. The moment to lay on the hotseat begun. Questions were raised from the panelists, scrutinizing every bit of entries we put into that manuscript. When our defense started, I stood and supplemented all the answers my colleagues gave. Unfortunately, we failed at a certain point, something went wrong with our study and we needed to do a major revision.  I almost gave up and loosen my grip. As the jurors were evaluating our performance, I silently asked God for enlightenment. I told myself that if I could've given more than my best, we could've made it. 

I thought of a lot of persons and the expectations they had over me. Ma'am Rose Tan suddenly popped out of my mind. I thought of her, I thought the shame it would bring me to let her know I failed. It was wrong to feel that way but nobody can ever blame me. I texted my mom that I'm no longer feeling positive of the result, I sent messages to my mentors and friends telling them I know we wouldn't make it. Several minutes have passed and we were asked to get in and listen to the verdict. The chairman spoke about how our performance frustrated them and each one of us as well. I didn't dare listen more and decided to pack things. But it was a blow when she uttered these words: "you passed". I bursted into tears...It was one hell of a verdict! I wondered why and how they came up with the decision. Maybe, just maybe, it was because of the teamwork and unity that we had. It was one of the most memorable and unforgettable moment in my college life. That I had to pat my back and congratulate my group mates  for doing the job given the shortest possible time. By God's grace, I knew we made it. 

It wasn't just the end of the story. My classmates came to me and cried horribly of their grade. They didn't pass and worst is, they weren't given the chance to do a re-defense. I asked, "who were your panelists?". "It was Ms. Tan who gave the final verdict", they answered in chorus. At the back of my mind I was wondering why mami failed them. I felt so much pity for them that I had the nerve to wait for her to finish the last group who had their oral defense. I had to plead. I reached out to her and asked what had happened. My classmates had the lapses, it was unmistakably true. I tried to asked her if they still had the chance but she didn't give the grant. I accepted her decision because she had the very right to do it and if put into position, I would have done the same. The next day, she sent me a short message. "Les, I'm giving your classmates a chance to re-defend, please tell them to prepare their revisions". It was a miracle God has laid on! I was overwhelmed that I had to breathe so deep. I happily informed everyone and told them to give out their best the second time. I also called Mami Rose and thanked her for the chance, a very rare chance. 


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 Life is indeed full of surprises. Mami Rose was one of those surprises God has given me. I am sharing this simple yet meaningful stories not to brag about how we made it, but how we see life as a struggle and a battle. There are persons bound to ignite us to reality. It was mami rose who made me realize this. She was tough, strong-willed, she lived by her words, but deep within her was a heart full of love and conviction. We convict because we learn. We love because we are cared for. Nobody has ever seen how true she is. If I could only tell people how great this woman is, I'd never think twice. Through mami, I've learned to judge with a heart. She once said, "We are like roses. Oftentimes, people easily notice how sharp our thorns are without even seeing the beauty and color we give off to their human eyes". Precisely. We are usually convicted superficially. Life is sometimes cruel and may sometimes hurt us in a lot of ways. But, it's up to us which path to take, if we will continue to live with it or chose to live in happiness. 

                          My first article in Penlight: THE MASTERS

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Mami Rose, I want to tell you that you are special in so many ways. It gives me a sense of sadness when people are not loved and accepted because they are misjudged. I cannot change the fact but I would like you to know from my heart that you are loved by me, by people who are true, and who live without pretensions. You are more than just a teacher, you are a mother at heart, a mentor, a guide, and a source of inspiration. 

It's God's plan for me to have met you, that's true. I hope you continue to inspire lives and radiate happiness mami. Don't let anybody pull you down, never hold back the desires of your heart, and pursue what you want in life. Don't think of what other people may say or what kind of mentality they may assume about you because what's important is how you see life and how you deal every bit of it. I guess it's the most important aspect of friendship is "We accept each other because we love each other for who we are and for who we cannot be."

YOU ARE LOVED mami, perhaps not by those who do not know you better; but to those who does, you are definitely treasured. You are one of God's ways of telling me that there is nothing to grieve for the pains that I have experienced because like you, pain was the hardest to endure but was also your guiding light to grow strong and to uplift your spirit. 

You are a good replica of a person who never gave up her dreams despite the storms God has laid on. Continue to live a life with principle mami. Be strong. Never be defeated by trials and always have a heart that loves. I am always here for you, anytime you need my hand. Remember the time you told me mami, "everytime i feel so sad and down, you always came".. I may not be an angel but I can be someone who'll cheer you up, someone who'll always listen to what your heart has to say, and someone who'll stand by you even when life gets so mean. I love you for who you are and will always love you "unconditionally". (remember your message on fb? ).. Nothing makes me at peace when you take care of yourself and your family as well. 

-always, 

Lesley.                                               
                                                                      Our photo taken last TEACHER'S DAY 




Here's a gift..

"We are like roses. Oftentimes, people easily notice how sharp our thorns are without even seeing the beauty and color we give off to their human eyes".
-ROSIELYN D.TAN, RN,MAN,Ed.D 


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From MISS CLING:

Note to a friend: Believe in what you do for it is merely a reflection of what is contained in your heart... people might not value the sacrifices you have made..but remember CHANCES never GREED... you will have your time and by then its you who will grab the laurels. 

"The plethora of evidence for the passion of doing what you do and doing it with love.. made you stand out above anyone else....."

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