I.
I want to silently examine my 2-hour
disappearance. Someone called and asked me to have a little talk, sparing ourselves a break after long days of just plain work.That gave me a reason why I left this note undone.
Last night, I spent my time inside the office, half asleep and awake. I was bothered by people coming in and out of the room, chit-chatting, murmuring, and laughing boisterously about nonsense matters. So, I decided to step outside, bought a drink, and sat alone in a corner from afar. My brain started scanning my thoughts; paper works to be compiled, undone projects, tough positions to handle, huge debate on my tasks and my studies, and so on. I am bearing a tantamount of responsibilities. I stood up and walked again. The comfort room was just a few steps away, so, I decided to wash up a bit and rejuvenate. Looking at my image in the bathroom mirror, I knew then I wasn't thinking very well and perhaps, wanted to go somewhere.
I kept walking and wandering, until my feet brought me to a place not unfamiliar, a very tiny space where I made my past 5 months worth remembering: my friend’s nook. As I was about to take the final step, a voice suddenly came out and told me to stop. Hearing this person, very worried for the first time, I paused and peeped through the four corners of the small room. My friend was in a middle of a conversation, a talk I wished I haven’t heard of that night. Every word she uttered sank in. I was listening; it was a mistake, and I shouldn't have been.
When she was done, I sat in front and stared at her for a moment. “What are you staring at?”, she bluntly asked. I was confused and kept the silence humming for a little while. “I just wanted to see you,” I answered. She didn't let out any voice from her mouth. Then, I cracked the silence once again, “You seem so upset”. “Yes, I am”, she replied. I couldn't find the exact words to say, words that would eventually help ease up her feeling. Her phone rang, she turned her back on her swivel chair, “I need to talk to someone, so if you’ll excuse me”, she spoke. “Oh okay, I’ll go ahead and come back to you later”, I said in a low voice. Chances to open up her emotions were so less at that moment and I had no choice but to walk away.
I waited for her to retire and finish her appointments but, to my dismay, she was gone and left minutes before I entered again. It was very late so, I went inside the elevator, bid goodbye to several people, and waited for a jeepney. My mind was racing and was filled with a lot of assumptions. “I need to talk to her,” I told myself. I checked my hand phone’s inbox hoping to see just a single message, but nothing was new. I eventually decided to send her a short message.
My bedroom door was left open when I arrived home. I dressed up and checked my phone again. “ I know my friend's in pain”, my mind was saying. I looked at the ceiling and closed my eyes. At 2:30 dawn, I slept.
II.
When I woke up, my heart was pounding terribly and I found out I was into a bad dream. Looking around, I saw my uniform hanging still and glanced through my piled books on the table. Nothing’s changed. I needed to take my early bathe to soothe my mind.
My reporting time in school was 5:30 and I came 10 minutes late, but the good Lord might have whispered to my instructor to patiently wait for me. We traveled for half an hour until we reached our destination. It was a secondary hospital with patients more than its capacity, it was always that way. We did the early rounds, stopped to see each unit, and chit-chatted with some of the clients. It was perhaps one of my luckiest days. Our teacher approached me and said, “You will be assigned as the Practicing Clinical Instructor for today and you make sure everything will be alright while I’ll be staying at the Delivery Room, is that clear?” “No problem sir”, I shortly answered. At the back of my mind I shouted, “What??? We are still in the first semester, and we’re doing PCI? What has came into him and made him choose me?” The day was nothing unusual. The routines were the same, vital signs monitoring, terminating IV’s and so on. It was funny to realize that I was enjoying my position, but, it was honestly tedious. Tiring myself has always been my way to overcome negative emotions, and at times, I’d prefer to get drained than just sit down and ache for something.
I found my way to school, to my table in the office, and started working on special tasks. My co-officers came, and I was glad they did. I chose to converse with them in a cheerful manner. My phone rang once but I didn't bother picking it up from my pocket. It rang thrice and I couldn't help myself but to answer the call. I was surprised to have read her name. “Hi! How are you?”, I said in a loud voice. It was my friend whom I had forgotten to check after a very hectic day. “Where are you? I’m no longer in school”, she replied. I asked her, “Can I see you?”. “Yeah, let’s run tonight. Our usual get-away”, she silently answered. I knew then what she was implying; a very important skill I've learned since I met her: to deeply read her mind & emotions. The line went dead after our talk. I went home and changed, prepared my packs for the next day’s duty, and fled.
She hasn't eaten anything, I suppose. The mall was just one ride over, so, I bought her favorite fruit salad. I was inside the taxi with my earphones on, looking at a far distance, and felt my stomach churned. I wasn't hungry; however, I needed to feed myself. It’s past 7. “Maybe later”, I said. The traffic lights were somehow teasing me, I was 30 minutes late, and worst is, I haven’t received a single message from her. Moments after, she texted, “I’m still lying on bed, I’m feeling so tired, anyway, see you in a little while.” It made me more and more worried. This is something serious. I stepped out of the cab, snatched a 20 peso bill from my wallet, and handed it to the old lady at the entrance hall.
III.
The oval was filled with people, talking, jogging to their feet, listening to music, laughing, and etc. I couldn’t find a good place for me to have a seat. I walked for a while hoping to see a little space where I could silently look at the sky and hear nothing but the words from my mind. A chair was placed at the far end of the ground and I was glad someone might have brought it purposely for me. At least I still had positive thoughts. I listened to my ipod again, extended my head up into the sky, and closed my misty eyes. “When have I started coming into this place?”, I asked myself. It was a place I never imagined choosing to spend my leisure time. Keeping my body fit was my last choice, and not to mention, running with my friend around the oval for three times or more, it would have disgusted me a long time ago. But, it was no longer a problem though. I learned to love the activity since I've tried it the first. Our first and definitely my first were great and unforgettable. It was raining that cold night, yet, we talked and talked, ran for five times in the rain, and talked again. Kinda’ silly but memorable. I couldn't imagine myself with her, two persons from two different worlds but was inevitably bounded my circumstances.
There was another moment of silence. I breathed deeply and opened my eyes. “Hey, I’m here”, a voice suddenly spoke. She looked terrible like she just escaped from prison. “Hi, can I hug you?”, I asked. The hug was so tight and it seemed like we lost each other for centuries. “I bought you your favorite fruit salad,” I happily told her. “Thanks. You found a better place for us to talk”, she said with a fake smile. Not a minute had passed; tears were rolling down her cheeks. She was speaking with a frail voice, loud and, angry. That was the very first time I saw her pain eating up every bit of her being. She was aching inside, and she needs the strength to keep her grip. I felt dark clouds hovered over us, drops of rain touched our skin, and the weather changed as if giving consolation to what she was into. She told me everything; the horrifying experience, the lies and betrayals people have caused her, and the confusion in her mind and heart she’d like to escape from. I was badly hurt. Not for once, I would have reacted that way but, I decided to do so. To go in deep sympathy was the hardest for me to endure. I couldn't stand the wound that screwed her heart; mine too. They preferred not to trust her character, blathered fictional things that never in her life she engaged in, and chose to see her in pain. Those were some of the biggest mistakes they could ever do. If I could only speak to them on her behalf, I would have shouted on their face how pure this woman is. She is nothing like the person they’re making an issue on. My heart was crying terribly; horrified and hurt.
Nevertheless, she made me understand everything. She viewed those circumstances as life’s imperfections needed to be perfected and a light to guide her journey towards its storm of complexities. She may have cried and cried, however, she remained unshaken. The built of courage and confidence were her armor to conquer sadness. She was and will always be a woman full of strength.
IV.
I looked up again in the sky, trying to break the tears, and stop the pain inside. She was still murmuring a few lines when I began to joggle up the past events that suddenly crept into my thoughts. It was the first time I seriously sat in front of her table. 8 in the evening, I forgot which date on the calendar; I was with two of my friends. She was busy pasting materials on a thick notebook; it was just a simple notebook at first glance, but it surprisingly had a very beautiful story to tell. I poked my head to the figures and my friends did to. She turned her gaze on us and started her story. The three of us moved nearer and listened eagerly. We looked through the pages and scrutinized every word she engraved into it. It turned out to be hours of serious conversations, reflections of past experiences, and a recall of untold pains. Indeed, her story of love made us burst into tears, and it was all unexplained. Just as she flipped on the last page, I dried my tears, and realized I was getting my nerves into the story. “Why a wonderful human being she is”, was all I could have said.
As I traveled my way home, I couldn't take away my attention from the lines she wrote. There was something that kept me drawing back to the story. When I was almost lying on bed, I felt that sting of conscience paralyzing a part of my heart. The questions came in: Why had I not given myself a chance to know this person a long time ago? Aren’t these circumstances too late for me to discover? I was a bit shameful to accept the fact that earlier, I was blinded by a lot of emotions, a lot of people. It was hard for me to know where I should begin and where I should stand for.
Several days have passed since the last time I saw her. In my moments of silence, her life was what I scrutinized. The passion to discover never faded in my character but she was undeniably extraordinary. She made me understood the minute yet meaningful matters of life and made my difficulties an enjoyable journey. How could someone new and how could a stranger possibly influence me? There came a time when I began telling her my own story too. It was an unplanned talk between me and her; nevertheless, it changed the whole course of who I was. From then on, we saw each other more often, sent messages almost every night, texted about nonsensical issues. She asked me to come with her on exciting trips from which I have met a lot of people. They all came from a world so vast and so different from what I own. There was one feeling I was sure of, I was enjoying every piece of it. Her happiness was mine too, her sadness was what I also felt. I learned to love the things that I hated most, accepted the challenges life laid on me, and accepted the truth that my life has something more to offer, may it be sorrow, pain, or joy.
to be continued.......
